Sunny Day

It's a beautiful day here in England. The sun is shining and it's lovely and warm. Charlotte and I are just about to start spring cleaning all her stuff in the garden. The wendy house needs to be hoovered and all her toys cleaned. She's out there now sprinkling the lawn with sand, lovely!

My Mum and I took Harry to Danson Park yesterday. It was beautiful again. I love my Mum. She is my rock. Always there for me, as my Dad is. I am extremely lucky. We are a very close family and always have a lot of fun together.

We are seeing my sister this evening. She has taken the plunge and got a new dog. Pippa will never be replaced or forgotten, but Paula felt a huge gap in her life. So our doggies will meet for the first time this afternoon. All the children are very excited, so no pressure! She has got a Tibetian Terrier, Bella 4 months old. My Harry is a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel, 6 months. Wish us luck!

Harry

Sleepless Night

We all get them, for various reasons, up with the children or the animals, stress etc etc.

But I was so tired last night. I fell asleep last night around 10 and was awake again at 12:39. I was still awake at 5:03 when I decided sleep was not an option as the alarm goes off at 5:55am, so I got up and went for a run, more thinking!

Sometimes your brain just won't switch off. I was thinking about all sorts.

I was thinking especially about how people touch your life. Some people by one simple act of kindness can brighten your day, a quick smile or hello when I'm running or taking the dog out can really shift my mood. It doesn't cost anything but can make a difference.

People drift into and out of your life as it changes, but some people make a huge imprint on your heart. It' s sad that some of those friendships get lost on the way, but you always remember them.

If I knew where all these people were, I would love to write to them, for no other reason than to say thankyou, you changed the course of my life for the better.

Some people in my life I have lost through an argument, or bad circumstances, which makes me sad. Unfortunately for me, when I take some one into my heart, it's forever. It's not a question of who is right and who is wrong. Relationships are a work in progress, they are hard and it's a shame in today's soceity that people aren't prepared to work a little harder. It's such a dispensable soceity and people can be selfish.

Friends of mine have let me down, or needed things that I was unable to give them, have slipped away. Its just sad. And yet they have touched my life in a way that I will never forget.

I have a friend at the moment who is so kind. We are really struggling financially at the moment. Mark owns a Financial Advisors Business, obviously, things have not been going great. My ex, Jason used to own an estate agents, where we used to work together, but times have been too tough for him to stay in the business, so he can't contribute and Lucy and Ellie's father doesn't either. We stretched ourselves too far to buy our home inorder to accommodate 5 children and basically don't have enough coming in to pay the bills. As part of my divorce settlement, Jason was mean't to provide me with a car, but had to take it back when he lost is job. My friend Helen came to the rescue and let us borrow her car for 6 months. It is the kindest thing anyone has ever done and I was blown away by her generosity. The car was about 14 years old, so not the best car in the world, but made a huge difference to my life. It enabled me to transport the girls to school. The car has been returned now and I have managed to get a run around myself. I haven't been able to treat Helen in order to say thankyou as Mark hasn't been able to pay himself for the last couple of months. I fell terribly guilty, I am so grateful to her, she has been such a special friend. Thank you Helen xx

Feeling Better

Well she's back on track. Hooray!



I spoke to Jason and asked him to have a chat with her. He's not big on communicating, but I stressed how important it was, as otherwise he was going to lose her. Credit where credit is due, he tried to explain to her that he is under a lot of stress right now and a bit grumpy. She wanted to talk about why he left us but she hit a wall, as usual, but he did tell her that he found her difficult sometimes and was at a loss on what to do. Jason's girlfriend was very supportive too, so Lucy came home yesterday a lot happier. She was glad I made her go as they were introduced to a kitten and went to the farm. So she was glad she didn't miss out.



Mark and I had had a lovely evening on our own and a nice walk in the country with Harry. When the girls got home Lucy came with me to take Harry for a walk over the heath and it gave us chance to catch up.



The boy thing seems to be a big issue. Haven't we all been there! She really opened up about it. She said how easy it was to talk about it all with me, which made my day. I love my Lucy and it is such a compliment that she can put her insecurities aside and tell me how she feels. I am blessed.



The girls are back to school today. We had all the usual last minute disasters. Ellie had lost her art homework, so we were all trying our hand at doing portraits last night. I had no petrol this morning! Why is it, that no matter how organised you think you are, things crop up to ruin it.

Note to self: MUST be more organised.



Back out running now. Had a break over the Easter due to injury. But the adrenaline has kicked in again and I'm back. It's amazing how much weight I put on by not running. It really keeps you in shape without having to worry. So am de-toxing this week to lose the pounds. I run 5 miles every morning and walk about 5 miles with Harry. So the weight should not take too long to shift.



Thankyou to you all for your comments. Haven't quite got the hang of it all yet, hence my page is very boring and I am not too confident on comments etc. Will pick it up I hope. But thankyou, it's amazing x x

Guilty Again!

Yesterday was obviously going to be one of those days.

There was I churning up all the past as constantly do, and then my Lucy who is 14 had a melt down.

She can't cope with all that is happening. It's hard enough being a teenager, but being Lucy is emotionallu draining.

'What's up? I ask.

' I can't bear it anymore. It's all too hard!'

'What is my darling?'

'Everything!'

Everything being:

- I don't want to see Dad anymore. He doesn't care about me and we always fight. It's because I'm angry. Angry he left us. Angry he will never talk about it. Just angry.

- I hate having thre Dads. Everytime I talk about one of them, people say, so which one are you talking about Lucy, Jason, Mark or Kevan. I want one Dad. Any Dad that loves me like you do, unconditionally!

- I want to start my periods and have proper boobs. Why am I the last!

- I haven't even kissed a boy. All my friends have!

- I'm worried about money. All you and Mark talk about is that we haven't got any. It sucks!

- I don't know whether I want to contact my real Dad. I know you encourage me, but I really hate him sometimes for not fighting enough. He doesn't really care

- I'm stuck on my homework and I'm tired!

-Arghh!

Poor poor Lucy. Lots of hugs later and a chat with her Dad Jason to try to get him to show her a little more that he does love her and she manages a smile.

She needs some TLC x x

Feeling Pensive

The boys have gone back to their Mum, Mark has gone back to work and us girls have a day to ourselves. Bliss! I do love a bit of down time with my girlies.

When we lived on our own we had so much time together. It brought us so close. Jason, my second husband left when I was eight months pregnant and it had a profound effect on us all. The girls had to grow up overnight and not only come to terms with their Dad disappearing but mother me too. I will always be so grateful for them getting me through it and helping me bring our Charlotte into this world. Especially my Lucy, she not only looked after her wreck of a mum but helped her sister Ellie who was mortified. She is our rock, such a special girl xx

I had so much guilt back then. I felt gulity about almost everything.

Gulity that I hadn't been a good enough wife.

Guilty that my unborn baby wouldn't have a Dad.

Gulity that I was pregnant in the first place.

Gulity that I wouldn't be able to spend so much time with the girls.

Guilty that I'd left their biological father.

Gulity that I wouldn't be a good Mum because of my overwhelming sadness.

The list went on and on.

But we got through it. Charlotte is now coming up for 4.

I thought I would be over it all by now. I thought that it would stop hurting, that I would love him less, that I wouldn't feel sad everytime I saw him, but that never goes away. People told me I should hate him for all the things he did, but I will always love him. I never went through a stage of being nasty, I believe that you must be true to your heart. I have to go to bed at night and know I have been a good person.

I always felt gulity for leaving my first husband. I was terribly sad and lonely in the relationship towards the end and was crying out for help. The girls, only 17 months apart, were beautiful, but I desparately needed Kevan and he wasn't there. I left him and thought he would come running to salvage our marriage, but instead he turned into a violent, abusive and bitter man. I always excused him because I had left, but after Jason left me and I knew I would do absolutely anything to get him back, I can't condone his disgusting behaviour anymore.

He will always be bitter. Just before Jason left, Lucy and Ellie hid under the table when Kevan came to pick them up. They didn't want to go with him. They seemed scared. So I wouldn't let him take them. From there on he started a battle with me. He wouldn't talk, to find out why they didn't want to see him, just took it through the courts. It was horrible. The girls had to be interviewed by social workers and all that stuff. We had all this going on, Jason leaving and me having a baby, not to mentioned Lucy took her 11+ to get into a selective school. She failed, another bad thing.

But we have come through it. I will always cherish the times I had with both my husbands. When it was good, it was amazing. Some day maybe I will get over Jason, or maybe, as I believe, if you truly, truly love someone, it is unconditional, and for life.

I am lucky. We have survived. I have made a new life for myself and my girls. Mark is a wonderful partner and father to all our children. We have our up and downs as you can imagine. I am damaged goods and so is he. You can love many people in your life. Love is unlimited and we love each person differently and for individual special reasons.

It's hard sometimes when you have so many layers of emotions, which turn you this way and that. With 5 chuldren and many parents, there are always conflicts to contend with, and it can be extremely tricky to keep your cool. Sometimes it gets so hard to bear. Sometimes I feel so tired of it all. Sometimes I just want to get my girls and run away from everyone. They need me to be strong and I will be. They know me, they know my weaknesses. They see me cry, they see me weep, but they know that whatever happens, good or bad, I am their Mum who will pull through and get up and get going, smiling.

Off I go then, Smiling xx

And a Grand Time was had by All

Tuesday we took a day off from Theme Parks and met up with my sis and my niece and nephew. I love my sister Paula. She is a very, very special woman, plagued by too many illnesses to mention and yet she manages to spread a little magic wherever she goes. We went down to 5 Arches with our puppy Harry. Not an easy thing for Paula to do as she has recently lost her adorable dog Pippa who was with us all for 17 years! We all miss her, but for Paula, she has left an enormous gap in her life.

Paula and my Charlotte x x

Toby (11), My Ellie (now 13), Holly 8 and My Lucy (14)

The children had so much fun paddling along the river. Harry attempted a dip but was rather nervous as last week when we came here he decided to chase some ducks. He dived into the water after them and disappeared under the water. We all gasped, as he had never been in the water before and proceeded to resurfaced and scamper out of the very deep water with pond weed all over his head. At least we know he can swim now!

Everyone is a bit wet!

In the afternoon the birthday girl came round. Joyce is Mark's Nan and at 87, full of beans. She is definitely a 'glass half full woman' and a joy to be around. Here she is with my Mark and his Mum x x

Lucy and Beth

And then My Lucy had her Night Cub debut! Her friend was desparate to go. Beth has acquired quite a taste for the opposite sex and was so excited. Lucy loves to dance but was a little overwhelmed by the whole thing. It was very loud, heaving with people and Lucy wasn't overkeen on the boys totally disregarding her right to a little personal space! I'm sure that will change very soon but at least for now I was quite relieved to get a phone call asking me to pick her up early. I'm glad she went. She wants to do it again, but with a bigger group. She felt as though she was holding her friend back. Thank goodness it was a well organised event for under 17's .

Jamie, Charlotte, Mark, Nathan, Ellie and Lucy

Wednesday was another leisurely day. We went walking over Shoreham Country Park. It is beautiful and Harry really enjoyed being off the lead and running around all over the place. It's a great place to switch off. You look at your family, happy and carefree and take stock at how lucky you are. Life with 5 children is hard work, you should see my washing pile, but full of so many advantages. I love them all xx

Me and my girls (looking somewhat windswept)

Alton Towers, a very early start and a 4 hour drive. We had a great day. The theme park was huge and one day wasn't nearly enough to cover it all. The weather was horrid. Very wet. But they all had a great time. We were exhausted when we left and hadn't even covered half the park. Will definitely go back to discover the rest.

And today, we've had a low key day. The boys are going back to their Mum and will be sorely missed by us all, especially my Mark, who finds it unbearable without them. Wishing them back soon xx

Making the Most of It!

The boys came home on Friday and we haven't stopped since their arrival.

On Saturday we went up to London to visit Madame Tassauds. It was heaving with people. You could hardly breathe. But we had a right result. We drove up there and parked about 2 minutes away. Then after being told that the queuing time was about 3 hours we managed to convince this wonderful woman that we should go through as a group, for which entrance was immediate. It was fantastic! The models were awesome.

Yesterday we visited Thorpe Park. An amusement park with predominantly big rides. So the big ones enjoyed it. Charlotte and I found a few things to do. There were also shows there and we really enjoyed the stunt show. It was fantastic. The weather was terrible though and the boys and girls were drenched from some of the water rides.

Today we went to Lego Land. Another theme park! All the children love them. There is plenty for Charlotte to do there as well. The sun was shining and a good time was had by all.

All a bit tired and grumpy tonight though. So maybe a slighty less busy day tomorrow. It can be quite exhausting having a big family but a lot of fun and besides I love them all xx