Feeling Pensive

The boys have gone back to their Mum, Mark has gone back to work and us girls have a day to ourselves. Bliss! I do love a bit of down time with my girlies.

When we lived on our own we had so much time together. It brought us so close. Jason, my second husband left when I was eight months pregnant and it had a profound effect on us all. The girls had to grow up overnight and not only come to terms with their Dad disappearing but mother me too. I will always be so grateful for them getting me through it and helping me bring our Charlotte into this world. Especially my Lucy, she not only looked after her wreck of a mum but helped her sister Ellie who was mortified. She is our rock, such a special girl xx

I had so much guilt back then. I felt gulity about almost everything.

Gulity that I hadn't been a good enough wife.

Guilty that my unborn baby wouldn't have a Dad.

Gulity that I was pregnant in the first place.

Gulity that I wouldn't be able to spend so much time with the girls.

Guilty that I'd left their biological father.

Gulity that I wouldn't be a good Mum because of my overwhelming sadness.

The list went on and on.

But we got through it. Charlotte is now coming up for 4.

I thought I would be over it all by now. I thought that it would stop hurting, that I would love him less, that I wouldn't feel sad everytime I saw him, but that never goes away. People told me I should hate him for all the things he did, but I will always love him. I never went through a stage of being nasty, I believe that you must be true to your heart. I have to go to bed at night and know I have been a good person.

I always felt gulity for leaving my first husband. I was terribly sad and lonely in the relationship towards the end and was crying out for help. The girls, only 17 months apart, were beautiful, but I desparately needed Kevan and he wasn't there. I left him and thought he would come running to salvage our marriage, but instead he turned into a violent, abusive and bitter man. I always excused him because I had left, but after Jason left me and I knew I would do absolutely anything to get him back, I can't condone his disgusting behaviour anymore.

He will always be bitter. Just before Jason left, Lucy and Ellie hid under the table when Kevan came to pick them up. They didn't want to go with him. They seemed scared. So I wouldn't let him take them. From there on he started a battle with me. He wouldn't talk, to find out why they didn't want to see him, just took it through the courts. It was horrible. The girls had to be interviewed by social workers and all that stuff. We had all this going on, Jason leaving and me having a baby, not to mentioned Lucy took her 11+ to get into a selective school. She failed, another bad thing.

But we have come through it. I will always cherish the times I had with both my husbands. When it was good, it was amazing. Some day maybe I will get over Jason, or maybe, as I believe, if you truly, truly love someone, it is unconditional, and for life.

I am lucky. We have survived. I have made a new life for myself and my girls. Mark is a wonderful partner and father to all our children. We have our up and downs as you can imagine. I am damaged goods and so is he. You can love many people in your life. Love is unlimited and we love each person differently and for individual special reasons.

It's hard sometimes when you have so many layers of emotions, which turn you this way and that. With 5 chuldren and many parents, there are always conflicts to contend with, and it can be extremely tricky to keep your cool. Sometimes it gets so hard to bear. Sometimes I feel so tired of it all. Sometimes I just want to get my girls and run away from everyone. They need me to be strong and I will be. They know me, they know my weaknesses. They see me cry, they see me weep, but they know that whatever happens, good or bad, I am their Mum who will pull through and get up and get going, smiling.

Off I go then, Smiling xx